10 Things I Hate About Fashion

Am I gonna get fired?

1. A lip; a trouser; a stiletto. The use of the ‘singular’ in fashion is as nonsensical as it is established. Fashion is not just an industry for people with one lip, or people who wear only one shoe. But you’d be forgiven for thinking that it was.

To the layman, ‘working in fashion’ equals ‘clown’. Even when wearing non-clownish garb, the comments will be the same. “Oh” says the layman, knowingly, “she works in fashion.” You could turn up to a Tarts ‘n Vicars party in fancy dress and the layman would still say, “come from work?”

3. For those that do not work in fashion, an e-mail may read as follows:

“Clare. Please review this document and let me know thoughts. Jane”.

When you work in fashion, you receive e-mails that read thus:

“Hey hun!! How are you babe? Thought you might need a cute pic to cheer up Hump Day [inserts gif of fuzzy bear] Also, here is some great new product for your pages! [Inserts winky face and possibly pink lady or three]. Let’s go for cocktails soon? X X X”

This is not an e-mail from your best friend. This is an e-mail from a fashion PR you met once, four years ago, over fizzy wine and room temperature smoked salmon, at a perfume launch.

4. Clothes do not come into a shop: they ‘drop’; or they ‘land’. ‘COS just dropped a good coat’ sounds like COS took a shit on the shop floor, whilst ‘a great coat has landed in COS’ makes GreatCoat sound like a new budget airline, specifically designed to land in small retail spaces.

5. There are more words for ‘person who works in fashion’ than there are for tits. Fash pack; fashionistas; streetstyle set; FROWers; style mavens. They sound ridiculous, don’t they? THAT’S BECAUSE THEY ARE.

6. In the fashion industry, a mere ‘like’ is not enough. You have to heart, die, or lust. Something covetable is not a ‘must-have’. It is a ‘lust-have’. Saying the words ‘lust-have’ out loud is a bit like telling the entire party that you just farted: mortifying.

7. False moderation is an inherent part of the indo. You are ‘slightly obsessed’. It is ‘kind of major’. Or, perhaps, ‘just a little bit brilliant.’ No-one is quite sure why fashion people are so tentative around the superlative; they just are.

8. Listening to people complain about working in fashion is the worst thing about working in fashion. “The shows were EXHAUSTING” might say an editor, as she steps into her chauffer driven car. Only to step out of her chauffer driven car to watch a show. Before stepping back into her chauffer driven car.

9. There is a strange phenomenon known as The In-Store Event. A tiny interior update – ‘brand new bogs!’ or, ‘doorknobs imported from Seoul!’ – warrants an In-Store Event, where you spill champagne on a rack of silk blouses and knock over the expensive handbag display with your arse.

10. My ultimate fashion bête noire? Clothes are not described as useful; but ‘wearable’. To which I must point out: all clothes are wearable. THAT’S WHY THEY’RE CLOTHES.

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